You can’t wear a Monet on a date. But I have found somewhere to wear my new tootsie pistols, and although it’s just three nights of the year, their practical value is growing: the sixth annual Colorado Burlesque Festival, Thursday through Saturday in Denver.

If there ever has heen a time and place to wear pistol pumps, this is it. I’ll just have to make sure I bring backup shoes for the whole walking-farther-than-3-feet part.

I startled and scanned the parking lot. It was empty, save for the woman I had met here for this sketchy transaction and a fragile, silver-haired woman slowly shifting her way to her car.

The King of Burlesque 2012, Russell Bruner, also is taking the stage. Bruner, from Portland, Ore., boasts three Burlesque Hall of Fame Weekend titles. He is known for his acrobatics, partner dance and “gentleman juggling” with the Wanderlust Circus and Swing Time PDX.

If you go

You don’t need any decor in your house, just like no one needs spike-lined stilettos. Yet, you do need it.

“That was hot,” the scratchy-voiced woman stated matter-of-factly, then slowly descended into her car.

I tightened the ankle strap. I was going to need all the support I could get to walk in these bad boys.

Oh.

Boulder’s Bucky Buckbinder is among the male performers at the Colorado Burlesque Festival, which starts Thursday in Denver. (David Wang / Courtesy photo)

The Colorado Burlesque Festival has featured hundreds of performers and some of burlesque’s biggest names, including Colorado’s own Midnight Martini, the reigning queen of the Burlesque Hall of Fame’s Miss Exotic World. She also co-produces the festival and is known for weaving burlesque with aerial dance.

Noir will be performing a risque aerial-hoop piece blindfolded to the naughty song, “Closer,” by Nine Inch Nails. She calls it a treat to the S&M crowd; I call it the mating call to my stilettos.

What: Colorado Burlesque Festival

When: Thursday-Saturday

A picture serves no practical function, other than perhaps expressing a feeling or making an atmospheric statement about its space. And that’s what makes it so special. The choice.

There is value in amusement, even impractical entertainment or pure aesthetic delight. Why else do people buy pictures that simply hang on the wall, and adorn their flower gardens with sculptures?

Aimee Heckel: 303-473-1359, [email protected] or twitter.com/aimeemay

“It’s a fun-loving crowd, a celebratory atmosphere,” says Kat Valentine King, spokesperson for the festival. “People have noisemakers, and you can dress up almost in your own costume. Wear something retro, go for the Bettie Page look. Wear something revealing, and you’re not going to feel like you’re showing too much skin. Or come as you are.”

A 7½ -inch heel, shaped like the barrel of a gun. Black patent leather platforms covered in silver spikes. Weapons on my feet. Here, in the Walgreens parking lot.

When I saw the shoes for sale in a Facebook group, I knew I had to have them. For no logical reason whatsoever. They were beyond illogical. They were utterly bizarre and financially irresponsible.

Scissorlegs will perform a burlesque tease on stilts, and Buckbinder’s “boylesque” routine involves stripping and juggling. Although burlesque long has tapped into the vaudeville scene, modern burlesque increasingly brings in new expressions of aerial dance, pole dance and the circus arts.

Info: coloradoburlesquefestival.com

I wasn’t sure I could; the shoes themselves must have been carved out of solid iron because, as I took a step, each hoof felt like 75 pounds. Then another. I made it, 3 death-defying feet, from one car to the other, like a tightrope artist with no net.

I bought the shoes. They had proved their worth.

She is one of the burlesque festival’s founders and producers.

Bea Arthur was looking at me, expectantly. Daring me to take a step.

The festival kicks off Thursday at Lannie’s with a gala and late-show shimmy. Friday’s show and “late-night naughty nightcap” are also at Lannie’s, before performers take the large stage at the Paramount Theatre on Saturday. The fest drew about 1,200 spectators last year, says King.

At Maslow’s pinnacle perches self-actualization: Our creative discretions and tastes and selective expressions that define our personality. There’s something deeply satisfying about honoring these higher-level needs.